A barbarian horde swarms across a green-gray hillscape, their cries rending the air.
The earth is torn beneath their feet and the hooves of horses.
Sword meets sword; shield, shield.
Balls of fire envelop the unfortunate and unwary.
A small band in steel breastplates prepare to renew the charge against overwhelming odds.…
Before we see anything, before even the whirling stars of the Paramount logo form their triumphant arc above the idealized mountain peak, we hear the agonized grunts and yells of a man indulging in brutal self-abuse.
Then comes the money shot: Mark Wahlberg doing full-body sit-ups from a leg rest halfway up a twenty-foot billboard of an Atlas-like figure pumping iron.…