(2.5 / 5)
A barbarian horde swarms across a green-gray hillscape, their cries rending the air.
The earth is torn beneath their feet and the hooves of horses.
Sword meets sword; shield, shield.
Balls of fire envelop the unfortunate and unwary.…
(3 / 5)
Before we see anything, before even the whirling stars of the Paramount logo form their triumphant arc above the idealized mountain peak, we hear the agonized grunts and yells of a man indulging in brutal self-abuse.
Then comes the money shot: Mark Wahlberg doing full-body sit-ups from a leg rest halfway up a twenty-foot billboard of an Atlas-like figure pumping iron.…